Maul the Matchmaker
by Natmonkey
Summary: We all know what Daveth *thought* his dog was telling him when he and Alistair needed to be brought back together, but what were Maul's true intentions? Alternative view of the dog's part in "Anticlimax". Lots of bad language.


_Maybe this isn't high quality, or sexy in any way, but I enjoyed myself silly writing this. _

* * *

I go into the idiot's tent and lie down next to him. The disappointed look on his idiot face tells me it wasn't me who he was hoping for. "The fuck did you do now, you moron?"

"Hey, boy. What are you doing in here?" He scratches me between the ears. At least he does that right. "What's wrong?

"The other guy is all messed up, and now I'm not getting any treats." I love that cheese stuff! And since these two have been mating like spring rabbits, his bitch has been giving me much more. And now? Zip. Zilch. Not one pathetic little morsel.

As always, this Warden gives me a blank stare. He doesn't seem all that intelligent, if you ask me. "I take it you've seen the state Alistair is in."

"Indeed! What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? An idiot like you should hang on like grim death to someone who can stand you the way he can!" I swear, it's that this fool feeds me, or I'd have bitten his face off by now.

"Yeah, I have no idea what you're saying." Typical. Doesn't even take the time to learn how to speak my language. Then again, he probably doesn't want to know what I think of him. "But you want to talk to me, right?"

Ugh. What a twat. "Gee, you figure, numbnuts?"

My so-called master gets on his feet. "Come on then, let's go find Morrigan. She can help me understand you."

Oh, marvellous. Now I have to suffer that one too. She thinks she's really hot stuff, with that stupid cloth thing barely covering her teats. Too bad some of the males encourage that idea; like that idiot elf. Where his dick points, he follows. And it points to that swamp wench very often. Still, this Daveth character tops them all. He should be crowned king of idiots. "Morrigan? I need your help." You shouldn't bother females when they are busy, but what does this fool do? Bother her. Never give them the opportunity to whine to you, especially not this one; she is the champion of whining.

"Yes?" She manages to pull her face from her book and looks at my master as he should be looked at. With hardly any recognition and lots of disdain. "What do you need my help with?"

"Maul wants to tell me something, but I can't understand him. I need you to translate for me," the idiot says. He should've just spoken to that big Sten guy. At least I can have a laugh with him. He too knows what an insufferable retard my master is.

The witch sits up and stretches, no doubt wanting to show off her skinny form. Even if I were a human, I wouldn't be interested in that sack of bones with teats glued onto it. "Very well. Speak."

"Okay, so here's the deal." I sit myself down. Might as well get comfortable. "I want this idiot's bitch to keep on giving me cheese, but he royally fucked it up for me. So I need you to tell him how I'm sad that he's hurt my friend, why, why, why, blah, blah... Get it? And throw in some line about how they've mated for life and the other one should have this fool's puppies."

The female nods meekly. I think she's a bit scared of me, since the time I threatened to pee on everything she owns, including her face, if she didn't can it with her _ooh, look at me, I'm so hot_-attitude. "So, would you like to hear it word for word, or simply the gist of it?" she asks my idiot master.

The idiot shrugs. "Your choice."

"Very well, then I shall paraphrase." Better make it good, bitch. "Your beast wishes to know why you hurt his friend so. 'Tis obvious to him that you and Alistair have mated for life, in his words. So," she giggles like an airheaded twit, "Maul is of the firm belief that Alistair should have your puppies." She bursts out laughing. I would too, if I'd made such a tearjerker from all the shit I just told her. "Oh, that is priceless. You do realize, dog, that your master and your friend are both males?"

"What, you think I'm stupid?" I swear, some of these humans... "I know they have dangly bits you don't have. It's just a good line."

And now she's going to give him her own opinion. Of course she'll want those two to stay together. I have no idea why, but she really likes watching them mate. Personally I have no problems with it, but it's funny how much their mating looks like the way I would mate with another mabari. A female mabari, I might add. Maul don't swing that way. I rub my face against his leg and whine so he thinks I'm actually sad. So easy to fool. Humans are such suckers.

He pets me on the back, exactly where I like it. That's the only reason I'm keeping him as my master. He wasn't even the one who saved me, you know. Some female did that. I really liked her; she looked like she had potential. But no, she had to get herself killed so I'm stuck with this nincompoop instead of with a capable master. "Look boy, I didn't mean to hurt him, I really didn't. It's for his own good."

"Bullshit!" His own good, come on. You're just a coward who is afraid of his own instincts. He knows he wants to keep his bitch for life, but he doesn't want to acknowledge it. No doubt it's because he still wants to go around rutting with anything with a pulse. Oh, sorry, anything _humanoid_ with a pulse.

The witch translates my exclamation as: "He finds that hard to believe." Very subtle. She knows how to translate, I'll give her that. And now she comes out and says it like it is: she enjoys watching them rut, he should beg for the other's forgiveness so she can watch them rut some more.

"Just fucking make it up with him already so I can get my cheese, you idiot!"

The fool looks down on me. "Fine, I'll go talk to him, but I make no promises."

"Yeah, you go, numbnuts!" Wag the tail, make him think you're happy. Good, there he goes. Cheese will be mine again tomorrow. Hmm, I smell something nice. "Hey, you got a biscuit?"

The witch looks up from her book. "What? No, I have no biscuit for you."

"Don't mess with me, woman, I can smell them. _Please_ give me a biscuit, or I'll fuck up that face you think is so pretty."

She groans, knowing full well I'm not bluffing. "Very well, just one." That's a good girl.


End file.
